


Plan B is for Babysitting

by Batscree



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Behavior, Fanbabies, Kidnapping, Mild Language, Other, Someone who hasn't seen the show attempts to write for it, Worried Parents Aziraphale and Crowley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 13:07:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21054902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Batscree/pseuds/Batscree
Summary: In which our favorite archangel and Prince of Hell thought it was a good idea to kidnap half-angel, half-demon kids as revenge against the traitors who stopped Armageddon all those years ago. In hindsight, it wasn’t a well thought out plan on either side.





	Plan B is for Babysitting

**Author's Note:**

> Jovial (the ‘girl) and Miracle *Mira for short* (the ‘boy’) are Aziraphale and Crowley’s kids. Don’t ask me how they came to be, I just assume either God gave them as a ‘gift/punishment’ or the two dorks managed to miracle them into existence by accident. I believe that canonically, angels and demons don’t have genders and so, have no use for reproduction, so these two abominations came about through other means... Don’t worry about it, it’s not important to the story anyways.
> 
> Also, I was all over the place with pronouns ‘cause I just don’t see any of them abiding by human biology due to being celestial and hellish beings. But to make it easier on you, Beelzebub was the one who had they/him/her used, while Gabe was always he/him, Joviel is she/her, and Mira was they/he. And some lines needed to have different pronouns as to avoid mixing up the perspective. I’m not used to writing for characters with non-official genders and am still iffy in terms of they/them, so excuse me.

“Are you holding a baby?”

The question was a sincere one, but one filled with hidden animosity. As if the very idea that the person holding the infant shouldn’t be, let alone, would willingly do so. But considering the person holding said baby was the Prince of Hell, Lord of the Flies, leader to the army of Hell himself, Beelzebub, it made perfect sense to question the whole hypothetical concept.

“Are you roughly holding that child’zzz arm?” The Prince bit back, emphasizing the ‘roughly’ part as leering eyes rested on the archangel across from her.

The celestial being who had first spoken up blinked, mulling over the question in his head as if trying to decipher the words thrown back at him. He was indeed holding the arm of the much smaller being next to him, who was all none too happy with being manhandled by the stronger angel and was currently trying to escape his grasp by tugging away and pushing at his arm, of which, didn’t budge an inch.

Across from him was the shorter demon, his main enemy, of whom was indeed holding a much smaller and younger child in her arms. However, unlike him, the demon seemed to be holding the baby properly as one arm had the infant (or maybe they were a toddler?) pressed against her side, sitting comfortably on her hip. The blonde babe was busy messing with her sash, innocently unaware of the situation he was in by being in the literal demon’s clutches.

When Gabriel finally understood that Beelzebub was accusing him of being unangel-like by grasping the redhead tightly in his grip, he, without looking away from the demon in front of him, loosened his grip and slid down so that he was holding her hand in a faux sense of tenderness. To any outsider not familiar with the angel, it looked like an innocent man holding his daughter’s hand as the two were out for a scroll. But Beez knew better, he was doing it for show against the demon, that’s all it was.

The little girl’s fiery glare gave it away.

Gabriel gave an expression of satisfaction, grin turning up on both sides of his face, but never fully reaching his eyes. It was fake, just like the ‘gentle’ handholding of is unwilling captive. His posture was one of self-control and impossibly straight and orderly. It was clear that he was here on business, along with Beelzebub. It was the complete opposite of the lax and improper stance that the demon prince had that gave off more ‘annoyed babysitter’ vibes then Gabe’s ‘let me speak to your manager’ ones.

The Prince couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the whole audacity.

It’s not that Beelzebub had a single nurturing bone in their body, just that she wanted to do her job and do it well, more than well in fact. She wanted to succeed in her duties past the ‘perfection’ level those angels oh-so claimed to naturally possess. It was a competition of dominance and competence in her eyes. And when Gabriel the Fucking Archangel was involved, she’d go the extra mile and a half just to have the satisfaction of rubbing his face in it when she got the upper hand.

In simple terms, it was a dick measuring contest and Hell was winning by a landslide.

But currently, neither side was winning as both were stuck in the perpetual decision of what exactly to do next with these two abominations. The two diplomats were a few yards in front of each other, two or three members of their respective factions surrounding either of them. Beez could see that one of his own subordinates was getting antsy and was attempting to get ahead of the fly demon, either to better guard his Lord or because they wanted to charge at the nearest angel and rip them limb from limb, Beez had no idea, nor cared. In contrast, Gabriel’s subordinates stood on either side of him from behind, at attention and unmoving. She was about to question why they bothered to bring backup when they didn’t do so when attempting to retrieve Adam, but upon seeing the intense, almost demonic glare from the girl’s blue, reptilian eyes, they remembered.

There was no telling what these two hybrids were capable of and while they may be literal children, so was Adam and that boy could bend reality and change it to his very whim. The thought that these two offspring of their traitors could one day possess the same abilities and wipe out the entire demon and angel race with a mere sneeze.

She subconsciously gazed down at the infant who was now sleeping sounding against her, clutching her red sash and sucking on his pacifier. Though innocent looking, the Prince would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that he was even the tiniest bit worried over the idea that the angelic babe could quite possibly end their existence simply because he was fussy that day.

While not as worried, Gabriel was more so annoyed with the one he took captive, the elder of the siblings and most vocal. Joviel, despite her name meaning, was anything but jovial and had been nothing but a brat since Gabe and the other angels took her from her father’s flat. She wasn’t there to witness Beelzebub popping up from the underworld seconds after her initial kidnapping and snatch her baby sibling from his play pen. The moment the celestial beings had her far away from either of her parents and home, she made their whole existent a living hell.

Gabe’s face almost faltered at the memory of what she first said to him when he introduced himself to her. Her unangelic eyes lit up and her smile grew in the way only an excited child’s face could. At first he and every other angel in the vicinity had a moment of pride to see the girl’s joy at meeting a real high ranking angel, believing that maybe Aziraphale had been talking positively about them despite the whole Apocadidn’t ordeal. Maybe they’d even get her on their side if all else failed?

~oOo~

“You’re really him? The Archangel Gabriel? The one who told Mary she was going to birth Jesus?”

He smiled genuinely at that and nodded.  
“Oh wow, I’ve heard so much about you, and now that I get to finally meet you in person, I have something I’ve always wanted to tell you Mr. Gabriel!”

He was curious at that, leaning down to her eye level and asking her to tell him whatever it was. She had her hands behind her back innocently; grin impossibly big with teeth showing. She was leaning on one leg, the other foot tip poking at the tiling. The perfect picture of a little angel, aside for her reptile eyes, that is.

“Gabriel, eat shit and die already.”

With the horrified gasps and faces of the other angels surrounding her, her facade melted away to reveal the true devil that lie underneath that perfect smile. Oh, she was definitely Crowley’s kid alright.

~oOo~

Gabriel decided to push away the memory before his enemy could see his own façade break and opted to break the silence instead. He cleared his throat, gaining the attention of the Prince once more. They had matters to attend to on the account that neither side knew about the kidnapping of each child prior to this meeting and wished to discuss further actions.

“So, it seems we both had similar ideas, hm?”

“It appearzzz zzo.”

“Kidnap the child that we thought was just one, but turned out to be two.”

“Yezzz.”

“Two abominations that shouldn’t even exist and yet, are here and very much existing.”

“Get to the point, I’m growing impatient and who knowzz how long this one will remain azzzleep. Yourzz lookzz like they’re about ready to tear your arm off.”

Gabriel gawked at that.

“Mine? Ours?! This one is most certainly not ours! She has no respect for her higher ranking angels and shows signs of violence only barbaric demons like you could ever possess! Not to mention her eyes resemble a certain demon!”

Beelzebub wasn’t expecting that reaction out of him. Guess the angel had more hidden stress than she originally thought. But she grew further irritated nonetheless. Honestly, she just wanted this whole ordeal to be over and done with and to hopefully come out of it with one or two new possible subordinates. The last thing she wanted was to have either child join the side of Gabriel and Heaven.

And yet, he continued.

“If anything, the one you’re holding is ours, because it actually seems well behaved and resembling that of an angel! With all things considered, you should have taken this hellspawn, while we should have had that one in our custody..!”

Beelzebub blinked, considering Gabe’s outburst.

“Are you, are you zzzuggesting a trade, Gabriel?”

Truth be told, neither faction really knew just how demonic or angelic either child was, nor did they have an overall plan when deciding to kidnap the traitor’s child-turned-children. Both sides thought to kidnap the child without the other side’s knowledge and use them as leverage against the couple and their rivaling faction. Neither Heaven nor Hell had even decided whether or not to attempt to kill the child they took or question whether or not they’d be able to raise them to side with their respective factions. They didn’t even know that Crowley and Aziraphale had two children and that either side had successfully kidnapped one of each until recently.

They didn’t even have this whole meeting planned out properly and had no real end goal in mind.

“...”

“Well?”

“Do you want to? Trade the abominations, that is?”

“No, do you?”

“No, I would prefer to have both, just so that you don’t have one.” 

“And you didn’t conzzider the pozzzzibility that I would want the zzame exact thing and have both children?”

And, back to awkward silence with Beelzebub’s subordinates getting even more restless by the second. Honestly, they were hoping to just have Beez tell them to maul the angels and take the kid and run. Seems like a smoother plan then what was currently going on at the moment.

“Argh, are you all just going to stand around and do nothing the entire time?!“

Finally, a third party, known as Joviel, spoke up to voice her thoughts. Everyone turned their attention to the eldest of the kids, seeing that she attempted to fold her arms angrily with one arm still clutched in the archangel’s oversized hand. An annoyed scowl was on her face as she leered the others down the best she could while being shorter.

Gabriel was having no more of her lip, however.

“Shhh, now, the adults are talking.”

She gazed up at him once more, glaring harder.

“Then why are you talking?”

Silence did not fall once more after the comment, too busy being filled with the mockery of the three lower ranking demons laughing their asses off over the archangel being sassed by a seven-year-old. The noise had since woken up the previously napping hybrid and they began to stir in the demon’s hold. Beelzebub noticed almost immediately and snapped around to glare down the three offending demons.

“ZZZILENCE. YOU ARE WAKING THE BABY.”

That got everything to grow silent again. Beelzebub’s face had shortly morphed into one that was more demonic and threatening to emphasize their displeasure. The demons cowered behind him, having shut up the moment their leader turned around. Surprisingly, the youngest didn’t even flinch at the booming voice of the demon, nor did he show any signs of fear towards the horrifying face.

If it wasn’t for the baby being half-angel and the current situation grinding on her nerves, the Demon Prince might have been the teensiest impressed by the child’s bravery. That was, until he started to suddenly wiggle from her drip and let out soft wails. He wasn’t crying, just wailing quietly.

“Oh great, now Mira’s fussy! Good luck getting him to quiet down now... Morons.” She whispered the last part.

“Wait, fuzzzzy?” Beelzebub looked down at the babe in a panic and saw for the first time, Mira’s face transform from one of tired curiosity to complete and total furiousness. Sharp teeth poked out from behind the pacifier and nose crinkled up into a snarl.

While it wasn’t anywhere near as terrifying or gross compared to other demons Beez has seen in Hell, it was still unnerving to see a once calm, sleepy infant turn into something that looked about ready to bite someone’s face off. And the closest face was currently hers.

They really should have thought this whole thing through.

~oOo~

Things weren’t much better back at a certain demon’s flat. Crowley was almost having an outright meltdown over the fact he had lost the kids. Or rather, he wasn’t sure he had lost the kids, just that one minute they were there, and the next, gone.

It was his turn to watch them that week and was doing his usual gardening duties, watering the plants, checking for spots, yelling at them when they were anything but perfect, the usual. Joviel was sitting on the couch, watching some show that he couldn’t remember the name of, when he suddenly heard a faint sound of distress coming from the other room. It was quick and barely audible, but was there. Against his better judgment, he left his youngest in their bouncing carrier to go check on his daughter, only to find her no longer on the couch.

A sudden burst of panic ran up his spine as he called out to his daughter only to get no reply. His nerves skyrocketed as he went back into the nursery to see that the baby was no longer in the carrier. His blood ran cold. He searched throughout the house, calling to both of them in the hopes that they were just pranking him and would show up, safe and innocently laughing at his distress. Joviel could be a little scamp when she wanted revenge, if the snails found in some of his potted plants were any evidence of that.

When he finally realized they were no longer in the apartment and were, in fact, not playing a joke on him, he just about screamed and tore the house apart. There could only be one reason to their sudden disappearance and he couldn’t help but blame himself for letting it happen. He shouldn’t have let them out of his sight. He shouldn’t have become so lax and naïve to the idea that those heathens would steal literal children as an act of revenge towards him and his love-

His love...

Aziraphale.

He had to break the news to his Angel.

Crowley looked over at his phone, expression hidden behind his glasses, lips in a straight line. He gulped and walked over to the phone to dial the Bookshop’s number. He put it up to his ear and waited as it rang once, twice, three times, then a forth, before finally picking up midway into the fifth ring.

“Hello?”

~oOo~

It was like the whole Adam incident all over again, but somehow infinitely worse and way more embarrassing. Adam was annoyingly difficult simply because he refused to do what Gabriel and Beelzebub said and ruined the Great Plan they had spent years planning and then came to a screeching halt. But at least Adam didn’t screech like Mira currently was doing.

Both demons and angels were covering their ears as the shrill sound coming from the toddler pierced their eardrums and caused their brains to feel like they were being slowly melted. If demons and angels couldn’t get migraines before, they could now.

The only one who seemed unaffected was Miracle’s big sis, Joviel, who looked way more done with everything then distressed. If part of the plan was instilling fear and obedience into the two hybrids, then that was completely forgotten as both factions were about ready to drop everything and hightail it out of there.

“Oh Lord Beelzebub, MAKE IT STOP!”

One of the demons had shrieked, barely heard over the screaming child still in Beelzebub’s arms. She was currently holding him haphazardly away from her in the fear of the baby biting or scratching at her. Gabriel and the other angels, covering their ears as well, debated whether or not to help, just to make the screaming stop, or abandon the demons to deal with it on their own and attempt to address this at a later date. Preferably with the baby Mira sedated.

“Oh, enough of this already, silence!”

A single snap and the crying suddenly stopped. A sigh of relief from one of the angels and a ‘thank Satan!’ from a demon. All attention fell onto the infant who was calm once more, a bottle in his mouth that served as a replacement for his pacifier. He drank away at the formula, eyes growing droopy once more before settling against Beez.

Gabriel brushed off invisible dust from his coat, with his free hand, a satisfied smile once again gracing his face. Beelzebub can just sense that Gabe won’t let her forget this one and use it against her in any future arguments.

“That’s how it works?” The girl’s voice piped up, staring up at Gabe with an expression of bewilderment rather than anger for once.

“How what wor-“

“The miracles? The magic thingy you do, the ones my dads do whenever they want to be lazy. All you have to do is snap your fingers and make things disappear and reappear???” She pressed, looking a little too excited.

Now, a smart person would evaluate the situation and consider how suspicious it is that this angel-demon hybrid child and abomination was asking an angel how their miracle abilities worked, miracle abilities that could change reality to their whim and be used as a useful weapon if used properly. An ability that could literally stop time itself and allow one to use against another powerful being. A power that at this current time, in this current situation, would be unwise to divulge to a young, inexperienced being who may or may not share the same miracle ability and could use against the Archangel and Demon Prince, if so desired.

But Gabriel isn’t a smart person.

He’s not even a person at all. He’s a head angel and commander to an army of Heaven who lacks enough awareness when it comes to children and just how much smarter they can be then him. So, of course, he nods in response to her question without a second thought.

“Of course that’s how it works. Do those two not teach you anything down there?”

A sickening grin curls up at the corners of her mouth, much like the Grinch’s did in that one Dr. Seuss Christmas special. Her face twists into one of smug glee as she slowly raised her free hand, middle finger and thumb pressed against one another. Gabriel saw a quick sparkle of mischief in her eyes before her fingers moved and a quiet snap echoed around them.

~oOo~

“You lost the children!”

“I didn’t lose them; they were stolen!”

“That doesn’t make it better, dear boy!”

“I know, I know..! 

Crowley was pacing around the room, antsy and inwardly scolding himself for screwing up so badly. Aziraphale, on the other hand, was sitting on the couch, hands in his lap, posture giving away his own nerves and fear. He had rushed over as soon as his love called him up and told him what happened. When he arrived to the apartment, Crowley near shoved him into the flat like he was afraid that Beelzebub or Gabriel would show up and steal away his angel too.

After they did another once over of the flat and then the whole apartment building for good measures, full panic set in when they came to the conclusion that the kids must have been taken, because both were too young and unaware of how to use their (possible and unknown) powers yet. It was like the whole Anti Christ thing all over again, but worse.

“Oh dear, oh dear...” 

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT..!”

The demon grabbed one of his plants, the very one he was last attending to before Joviel and Miracle were kidnapped, and threw it against the wall. He let out an incoherent string of words and hisses that sounded like Crowley was blaming the plant and himself for the whole thing.

“Crowley!” Aziraphale snapped in distress.

“Angel!” His love snapped back before storming into one of the other rooms, muttering to himself.

The angel could hear rummaging in the other room before Crowley came stomping back in, a plant mister and a bucket in hand.

“Why do you have those, dear..? What on Earth are you doing???”

“I... we are going to get our kids back, even if we have to raid Heaven and Hell to do it.”

Aziraphale blinked owlishly at the demon, taken aback and confused. It’s not that ‘Zira was against the idea, but surely there must be a better, more efficient way that wouldn’t put any of them at risk.

“Crowley, if your plan is to threaten them with hellfire and holy water, we don’t have any and there’s no guarantee they would believe us when we say that we do...”

The demon ignored him and seemed to be searching the flat for more would-be weapons. The angel sighed and got up from the couch to walk over to his love. He knew how irrational and quick to action Crowley could get, and right now, neither could afford rushing into things with their children’s lives on the line.

“Dear, we need to think this through before making any harsh decisions...”

“And what, give them more time to harm our children?! So they can come to the conclusion that the best way to get their revenge on us is to throw them into a pit of hellfire or drown them in a tub of holy water?! Or hell, maybe they’ll decide to brainwash their young minds into following in line with their factions and use them against us! Is that what we should do Angel, is it?!”

Aziraphale’s throat tightened up at the thought that maybe what Crowley was spewing was true. He wouldn’t put it past Heaven nor Hell to do those very things he’s suggesting. The image of his precious babies screaming as the flames licked their bodies and melted their flesh off or the two of them being forced to forget their parents and train to fight in a war at the cost of losing who they truly are, made the celestial being’s skin crawl.

“N-no, of course not, dear...”

“Then stop trying to talk me out of this and get your sword out. We’ve got angels to fry and demons to drown.“

Aziraphale took a deep breath and nodded, getting ready mentally to go on a raid against his and Crowley’s ex-factions. While it may not be his first choice, it seems to be the only option at the time being.

“Oof! Oh, hey, it worked!”

Both angel and demon stopped, looking at each other, wide-eyed. They listened, hearing some babbling that followed the sudden voice. They slowly turned in unison to the direction of the voices to see their daughter sitting on the very couch she went missing on, baby Mira nestled in her arms. She turned to face her parents before smiling and waving.

“Hi Papa! Hey Daddy!”

“Baba! Dada!”

“Joviel! Miracle!”

Within seconds the couple was upon their kids, hugging them and holding them close. Joviel was appreciative of the affection; Mira, not so much. He gave a wail of protest and tried wiggling out of the group hug, feeling smothered.

There may have been some kisses thrown around as well, both towards the kids and between the couple. There also may have been tears, totally not on Crowley’s part though, of course not, of course. Crowley and Aziraphale were so emotional over the whole ordeal, that they didn’t even think to question their daughter on what had happened or how she and her sibling got back safe and sound. They were just relieved and happy nonetheless.

Aziraphale was the first one to pull away from the group, still holding Crowley and the kids though. His face grew serious, Joviel and her father to grow concerned and curious.

“Crowley, dear, we need to talk.”

“Talk? Talk about what?” His glasses hid the quick flash of dread at ‘Zira’s tone.

“Well...”

“Well..?”

“How do you feel about cottages?”

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t even watched the show, but was spoiled like a week after it first came out and got attached to the Ineffable Spouses pairing (and fell in love with Beelzebub’s entire existence). This isn’t the first time I’ve written a fanbabies fic for a fandom I’m not even a part of and it certainly won’t be the last.
> 
> And no, I personally do not ship Ineffable Bureaucracy unless it’s just Beelzebub and Gabriel trying to one-up one another and Beez winning by a mile.


End file.
